I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave

(515): John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
(1-515): As in blowjob or cannibalism?
(515): I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

I saw this and thought of you, Dorian. <3

Ugh. Fuck this motherfucking town, seriously. I've never felt so cooped up in my goddamn life. I know I have a good thing going here, with my friends and Dorian and everything, but fuck if I don't want to just get in my car and go. I want to head south to Seattle, hop on a plane, and just get the fuck out of here. I'm nineteen years old, for God's sake, I should not feel this trapped by my life. Having Zeke here has just reminded me of what I used to do, who I used to be. We're on better terms these days, because let's face it, five years is a long time to hate someone, and I don't think I have the energy for it anymore.

Seriously, though, what am I going to do? I'm not my fucking mother, I can't just up and leave when I know that I'll be leaving behind people who care about me, and that I care about very deeply. Plus, oh yeah, I'm still on SART's watch list. I'm so homesick for the islands it's not funny. I can't stand it up here, I don't want to think about weathering another winter up here. I swear, I haven't been warm since I left Tampa two years ago. Being here makes me want to punch walls sometimes. I feel like a caged animal, and I hate it. I hate this. I should want to stay, because pretty much everyone who means something to me these days is here. But on the other hand, there's the idea of going south, to the places I grew up in, where I can get a job at a resort hotel and in my spare time lay out on white sand, with a turquoise sea in front of me, a pitcher of sangria, and the sound of salsa music coming from the hotel.

Fuck the government. They won't let me out of here to go to LA.

Oh well. With Dakota being so inaccessible lately, I probably shouldn't leave the garage. Besides him, I think I've been working there the longest out of everyone, so... yeah. I've been taking more hours there rather than The Liffey recently. Plus, there's Dorian and Abby, and I'd feel bad leaving them alone. I kind of understand why SART won't let me leave... I mean, it's not like they can be sure I'd come back, given my combination of lack of respect for authority and tendency to get the fuck out of Dodge when confronted with rules I don't like.

Still, I kinda wish I had the opportunity. Maybe next year...

New season of So You Think You Can Dance starts on Thursday.

Goal for next year: get my b-girl slash Latin ballroom dancer butt on that show. If they'll let me off the reservation for the auditions, that is.

I know this is terribly belated, but I wanted to wish Tal and Lily a very happy Mother's Day.

Otherwise, the holiday can go suck it.

Today, I found out that my ex, who I never thought I'd see again, got sent to my town. FML.

It's times like these when I really, really wish I had a parent who gave a shit.

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to meeeeeeeee,
Happy birthday to me!

For all those who are interested, I will be celebrating later tonight at The Liffey!

Five years now. Rest in peace, baby girl.

I really need to stop listening to Beatles music while I'm at work. I've been humming "Revolution" to myself for like half an hour and I'm starting to get on my own nerves.

In other news, after I get off work at The Liffey tomorrow, I'm totally planning on coming home briefly, getting changed into something cute and green, getting my game face on, and then drinking said face off. I haven't been good and wasted since I freaking left Florida two years ago. This whole clean, booze-free Rena thing's got to go, at least for one night. Maybe it'll make a comeback on my birthday next month... holy SHIT I cannot wait. My last year as a teenager? Bring it ON.

Private to Evan Hay.
You working tomorrow? Got a feeling I'm gonna need what we talked about in order to make the most out of National Get Drunk and Pretend You're Irish Day.

Private.
Christ, I hate it when I get like this. I shouldn't feel like this. I have a good life. A better life than the one I had in either Florida or Seattle. So why do I feel so freaking bored with it all of a sudden?

Even though I'm not in a bikini, I think it's a good picture.

Okay, so maybe I've been watching too much of America's Best Dance Crew, but I miss dancing like, hardcore. I can still do some of my old tricks, which is cool, but I'd love the opportunity for formal training. I mean, I don't think I'm gonna be a championship dancer the way my mother was back in the day, but it's a good way to keep in shape and yeah, I'll admit it, I like being able to break and do the lifts and tricks that make the crowd go nuts.

I talked to the owner of the gym around here, and he says that he's looking into offering dance classes, which would be absolutely amazing. I don't know how many people are actually interested besides me, but I hope he goes through with it.

Hmmm... dance teacher or choreographer. Sounds like it'd be a good career. Not much opportunity for it up here, but maybe I can convince Reid to get into musicals or remake Thriller or something.

Like this. I could TOTALLY do this!

Looks like I've got all my stuff packed up and ready to go for this weekend. Still can't believe I'm moving out... it's gonna be interesting, definitely, but I'm looking forward to my next home. I've never really lived with anybody before. My various foster homes and my roommates at HCC don't exactly count, I don't think. And it beats the hell out of living in my car, that's for damn sure.

So, if anyone's looking for an apartment here in town, mine's up for grabs. My lease is officially up on the 15th, but I'll be out way before then. After all, my stuff still fits entirely in my car. Say what you want about the Buick, but it's a great effing car. The sheer amount of space in that thing is insane.

By the way, Nina? Once all this full moon/Valentine's Day stuff is over with, we need to go out for girls' night. I'm stealing you away from Kaji.

So I was bumming around on the internet, and I not only discovered the joy that is Mika, but this as well:



It's definitely cute, occasionally disturbing, and OH MY GOD SUCH A GREAT SONG! It just sounds like happiness. It really does.

Okay, so has anybody here ever watched that show Sanctuary on the SciFi channel? I'm watching it right now, and it's all about humans versus "abnormals". There's something about a bio-weapon that can kill the "abnormals" or some shit like that... but yeah. The differences FAR outweigh the similarities, but there are bits that are almost familiar. It seems pretty cool so far, so I think I'm gonna go download the other episodes or something.

Yeah, I've been watching TV pretty much since I got back from Dorian's earlier. I thought about going out, but it is WAY too fucking cold out there. And my couch is pretty comfortable right about now. But then again, there's nothing wrong with spending a night in with the television. Hell, maybe I'll find something interesting on one of those stupid infomercials, since apparently I've become nocturnal since I got back.

Private.
I really wish he hadn't gone... but then again, me being clingy isn't going to help anything. Maybe I should call Nina, but... God, I don't know. This whole detainment thing has got me fucked up worse than I've been in a while. I'm not sleeping well, and being alone for long periods of time makes me feel shaky.

Fucking government.

Happy fucking New Year.

I hate SART.

And oh yeah, I'm back. Hi everyone.

I'm sort of in love with Jason Mraz right now. Seriously, that song of his, "I'm Yours"? Totally reminds me of being back in the Caribbean. I could seriously listen to this ALL day.

Private.
Okay, so even though Dakota and Nina told me not to get them anything, I decided not to listen. They've basically adopted me as a member of the family, and that really means a lot to me. Plus, I got stuff for Dorian and Abby, too. I think that covers everybody I'm close to around here. And by the way, online shopping is amazing. The only thing I might have to worry about is Dorian finding my hiding place, but it's not like he spends much time looking through my closet, so I should be golden. I really hope people like their gifts...

Dakota

Tal

Nina & Tika ($25 each)

Chevy

Nunu

Kohana

Abby
Also for Abby

Dorian
Also for Dorian (Engraved with "El que no nos mata nos hacemos más fuerte" on the back)

Oh MAN will I be happy when the full moon has passed. I mean, I like my job and all, but when the full moon's up I get to have all the overnight shifts because Gabe and I are the only two people who work there that aren't weres. Granted, afterward I get to spend a few days off with Dorian in Rhode Island which is going to be good, but still. You're killing me, nature, you're goddamn killing me.

I apologize if I sound a little bit crazy. I haven't been sleeping well, plus I got off work at 4 AM and haven't gone to bed yet. Which I probably should, considering I have to be back there after dark. Blah.

Ugh... I'm bored.

Somebody entertain me?

And if anybody's seen Dorian Revello, please let me know? I'm about to start putting up missing persons posters.

I really need to get over the urge to get into a fight. There's nobody around that I can fight fairly.

Private.
Ugh. I'm so freaking jealous of Tal and Dakota that it's not even funny. They're so nauseatingly perfect. They've got their perfect marriage, their perfect baby, and it's just... ugh. I shouldn't be so resentful of them. I really shouldn't. They've always been so nice to me, and Dakota's been great while we're at work, just chilling or whatever. But it's like... I've been through so much. I don't have a relationship with either of my parents, then there was that whole thing with me and Jason and the baby, and the next three years in foster care. Living out of my car for a year. This is stuff that I can't relate to anyone else. I'm so unspeakably jealous that all they've had to deal with is, you know... normal everyday problems.

And this is weird. Like, ever since Tal had Kohana, I've been thinking about mine and Jason's baby. It was too early to tell the sex of it, but I think it would have been a girl if it had lived. I probably never would have seen her again, though. I was only fourteen, and if you're still in the system, they'll take the baby away and give it up for adoption. Granted, she would've been better off with parents who could've given her a stable life, instead of a messed-up fourteen-year-old girl. But still... I wish I hadn't lost the baby. She'd be the same age as Abby now, or thereabouts.

God, now I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Fuck. I wish Dorian was around...
End Private.

Damn it, I hate the holidays. Or maybe living alone is just getting to me. Who knows. I'd go out, but the snow's ridiculous and it's not like I'm old enough to drink anyway. Ugh.

I almost never get moody. This sucks.